I want to be nobody.
The image of me floating across the all of space,
I want to be nobody,
So that there can be no words that harm me,
Only words that touch me.
I am happy as nobody.
- mo calderon
I have decided to un-publish all of my old blog posts that were written “influencer-style.” My blog must look strangely empty now.
“I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”
This is a [slightly] modified quote from author Augustin Burroughs that I have tattooed onto me permanently as a reminder. I have never been perfect and I will never be perfect, but I have good intentions. I am hyper aware of every wrong or pseudo-wrong I have done in my life but I try to move forward from them despite my brain’s sometimes overwhelming need to replay them over again times a hundred.
It has been 10 months since I started going through this weird identity crisis and it has been a long journey getting here. I feel normal and I feel happy.
It’s taking me a minute but in the last 10 months I have:
Unfollowed influencers on social media and continue to unfollow anyone I begin to toxically compare myself to.
Spend minutes per day on Instagram instead of hours
Write for the purpose of the words I share now. Not for an excuse to share a pretty picture.
Spend less time taking digital photos of myself and more time taking film photos of my friends and our memories.
Took pleasure in being “normal” and appreciate my life as is rather than be envious of the glamorous influencer life.
It has been the best thing I have ever done for my mental health. I have struggled for years with my relationship with being a YouTube and a blogger and wanting to become an influencer, I think mostly because it has been a part of my life for so long (I started my firsts YouTube channel 10 years ago now) that I had a hard time letting it go. But I'm here now.